On licking the spoon, or not.

This morning, my husband and daughter were making ice cream for a party. They poured the chocolate deliciousness into the bowl as I washed dishes next to them. My husband handed me the mixing paddle, dripping with creamy, frozen cocoa. "Take whatever taste you're going to take and then you can wash it," he said.  

Slowly, as if I was watching myself from somewhere else, I saw myself subtly shake my head and shrug my shoulders almost imperceptably as I took the tool from him and rinsed it off. 

You might be ready to ask me: Who cares, lady? What is the big deal in that series of actions?

The big deal is this: as a compulsive eater, I cannot remember any time, ever, in my first 32.5 years of life, when I didn't lick the spoon, the bowl, and half the batter for whatever was being made. I have been known to make cookie dough and never get a chance to use it for cookies. Once when I was baking with my husband, he commented how he had never seen someone lick the whole bowl before. The spoon, sure. The bowl? Who does that?

And me on the inside thinking - Is that true? Other people don't use the rubber spatula to clean out every last chunk of brownie batter while murmuring "nom muah mawm nom"?

That was probably 4 or 5 years ago, and still - when I make cookie dough chunks for ice cream, I have to work under close supervision to ensure that the sweet treat I'm making for my daughter doesn't just end up being vanilla flavored. 

Addiction will do these things to a person. I start to smell the batter or dough or ice cream base, and then I need to taste it. I get some on my hand and lick it off, which makes me want more and more, and soon I'm sticking a finger or two directly into the sweet goodness over and over again. The recipe was for a dozen cupcakes and we only ended up with seven...oops. 

All this happens, by the way, when no one else is around. No one sees me eat every single bit of dough left over in the mixing bowl after we make gingerbread cookies, which I don't even like. 

So, passing up the opportunity to have amazing chocolate ice cream at 8:00am, even though it seems like such a trivial thing, is a HUGE victory over here. 

Overall I have seen a sharp decline in my compulsive eating behavior since taking control of the my diet and acknowledging that I am the one with the power to determine what goes into my body. I was faced with a bag of my absolute favorite candy today, and I was able to dole out the candies into individual serving bags to eliminate the compulsion to finish the bag once I start it. I even had a couple  and put the rest aside for someone else to enjoy. 

This seemingly small win is such a huge step in my life. I am proud of myself, and encouraged to continue working to make good food choices. 

Comment below if you have a similar story, or if you're just needing some encouragement from someone who has walked in your shoes.