No Time Like the Present

So...it's been awhile. I didn't intentionally leave the blogosphere, but when I logged on just now to see that it had been 10 months since I'd done so, I wasn't particularly surprised.

It's no coincidence that my posts trickled to a stop as my job was revving up - a job that grew to be very difficult and derailed many of my attempts at staying healthy.  It's been 10 months of frustrating circumstances, but the end is near and the weather is nice. And, to a (albeit former) triathlete, this presents many opportunities.

Step 1: Get back in the pool. CHECK.
I've been swimming 4 times in the last 10 days, and it feels GREAT. I've been using my Swim Workouts in a Binder book, and to my pleasant surprise, I've been able to complete every workout in the time I had available to me (I've had to shorten every workout in recent memory due to time constraints) and I've also been faster and more powerful than I'd expect with the sporadic nature of my endurance workouts over the last...ahem...7 years? Swimming is my happy place and it feels so great to be able to push myself without having to rush myself.

Step 2: Get a new bike. CHECK.
I've been avoiding cycling for years. Cycling is one of my favorite pastimes. It marks me as a member of a community in which I rather enjoy membership. It's great exercise. It feels good (after the initial butt pain relaxes). And I make up amusing limericks a la "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" as I ride. What's not to love?

Well, the time commitment, for one. In order to get in a good, solid ride, you just need more than an hour. For right now when I'm building up my wind and my muscles, an hour will get me 13 miles which is just fine. But as a cyclist gets stronger she needs more of a challenge; sometimes that even involves a drive to a better cycling experience than I can find on the congested streets near my home.

The main reason I haven't picked up riding again, though, is because of the unpleasantness of kneeing myself in the post-baby gut with every pedal stroke, and the nausea that followed. It just felt gross. "When I lose my gut," I'd tell myself, "I'll get a nice bike and start riding again." I'd always wanted a nice bike - a carbon, true road bike rather than the secondhand aluminum tri bike I brought with me from my former life. But I didn't want to spend all that money on something I wouldn't use because it made me want to puke every time I used it.

Turns out I just had a poorly-fitted (read: not-at-all fitted) bike. I went to check out bikes, test rode 3 of them, and realized there was no problem with any of them. Kinda sucks to think about all those rides I've missed out on over the years. But, water under the bridge - right? I spent the money, got a sweet bike, and have been fortunate to be able to ride 4 times since I got it 5 days ago. This excites me more than anything else.

Step 3: Recommit to putting great food into my body. Check-ish. 
For the most part, I have been strong with eating yummy paleo foods and avoiding sugar and grains. Too often I will mow down on an ice cream sundae or a jar of candy just because it's there, which I know I shouldn't do. But, I'm working on resisting more often - and not putting myself in situations in the first place where I might make bad decisions.

As always, food addiction is the aspect of my health that presents the biggest obstacle for me. But I am happy to say that during my absence from the blog, I wasn't absent from my goals. In retrospect it seems like I was waiting for something to happen to miraculously make it easier to take care of myself. Then I remembered: The miracle that needs to happen is for me to commit to my health despite all the challenges and obstacles that throw themselves my way.

This is me, doing that.

How do real people do this?

This weekend I* have made:

Pumpkin nut muffins

Blueberry muffins

Brownies

Chicken tikka masala

Cauliflower "rice"

Lemonade

And probably more that I'm forgetting about in my Sunday evening haze. 

During the week I've been cooking from scratch at least every other day, and usually every day, and in the upcoming week I expect to make granola, cashew butter, and various from scratch recipes on a nightly basis. 

While I can't help but feel accomplished, there is something I can't ignore. I've had the luxury of having relatives over whose kids kept mine occupied, and I have the relative freedom and flexibility that comes along with being an educator during the summer - I don't by any means have the elusive "summer off" of which I've heard fairytales, but I've been fortunate to be able to work from home while my children are well taken care of - and I can barely keep up. 

So the question that keeps niggling at the back of my consciousness (and, during particularly busy days, asserts itself right front and center) is: How on earth do people actually do this? Real people. You know, the ones with full time jobs (often more than one) and small children and houses to keep and exercise responsibilities and all the other time-consuming activities that affect real people on a daily basis. How do they cook and clean (and don't forget how much more there is to clean up when you make a delicious dish from scratch) and have healthy lifestyles and eat whole foods and keep their kids happy and healthy and occupied while all this happens?

It's 6:45 on a Sunday night.  I am ready to throw in the towel, and the week hasn't even begun yet. Anyone? Bueller?

Comment below with ideas on how to eat wholesome food while balancing work, family, and self care!

*"I" in this case refers to some combination of myself and my husband. I've been laid up with a foot operation so he's been doing most of the work and I've taken most of the credit. But don't worry, he doesn't mind. 

Another photo I don't want to post

This is me, today, in the fitting room at a local sports store, trying on bathing suits. The suit fits remarkably well - much better than the one I wore out over the last several years - but this is (while it seems ridiculous) a milestone for me for another reason: because I was able to buy a suit that fit me in a store. 

I don't know if stores assume athletes are all under a certain size or what, but I remember being so frustrated and disappointed when I took my older daughter to the same store years ago, trying to find a new suit so I could swim for exercise. The trip was a failure - not only because I had a 1-year-old ducking between my legs and hiding behind mannequins the whole time, but because I ended up leaving empty handed, forced to buy a suit online and hope it fit. 

I did eventually manage to buy a suit online, and it did fit well. It was a size 42. I have no idea what the hell 42 means. 42 what? But, irrespective of confusing (to me, anyway) sizing conventions, the "swimming costume," as my daughters' favorite cartoon family would say, suited me well and has been a faithful companion for 3 years now. It was growing ragged, and with a little fewer lbs on my body I figured I'd give the sports store another try (this time without adventurous toddlers sabotaging the trip). 

So, here is me in the fitting room in a size 38 (whatever that means). I went on to spend way too much money on what, especially after swimming a mile in it, I consider to be a perfect suit, and as an added bonus I'm a faster swimmer now, because I don't have a saggy suit dragging in the water. Or because the suit is magic. I prefer to believe the latter. 

Decisions: 6 Months Later

Lately I've come to realize that life as an adult is an interminable series of decisions, each one more difficult than the next.

There were the relatively easy ones:

Should we get married? Of course.
Which house should we buy? That one is just perfect.
When to have the first child? 2 years seems about right.
How about the second? Another 2 years sounds great.

Then they get more difficult:

When one of the kids is sick, should we run this test or give that medicine, or trust that the ear infection/cough/dry skin/ailment of the week will resolve on its own?
Are my daughter and I doomed to having the dry skin on our upper arms forever, or is it really caused by some food we are eating? Should we try this cream/use this essential oil/change our diet to see if it will help?
Should I take this job, the one that pays less and requires more of my time but that I'll enjoy immensely?

Then there's the one that I haven't been able to nail down in 33 years of life and 15 years of trying to control my weight:

What and how should I eat?

The problem with this question is that there are so many convincing answers. So many experts cite so much research that supports any variety of diet modifications. It's the topic of many sardonic comments (one from the '90s about some kind of Grapefruit Diet comes to mind), but also of countless talk shows, podcasts, blogs, and books. And they all seem to make so much sense.

I am a smart woman. I studied neuroscience and math in college. I had planned on attending medical school before my serendipitous detour into education. I read. A lot. I understand how the body works. I understand about receptors and DNA transcription and translation and signal transduction and refractory periods and all manner of biological processes.

So why, then, is it so hard for me to understand what is going on in my body, and how to control it?

I think part of it is the faulty research upon which our national foundation has been resting for the last 30 or 40 years. Saturated fats, artificial sweeteners, trans fats, grains, the math of calories in vs. calories out and that 3,500 number that I have at times held so firmly in my grasp... There is stunningly conflicting information about every one of these items, and many more, everywhere you look. It all seems to make sense on the surface, and while I am a smart woman I am also a busy woman. And I have just had too much going on to dig below the surface and find truth.

So, finally, I looked where I've been looking more and more lately: evolution. If everything seems to make sense, what makes the most sense to me will be to follow evolution's lessons. The question I ask myself is: What would a cave person do? I began this line of questioning when I became a parent, and it formed my parenting philosophy: Breastfeeding, sleeping close to my babies, using natural infant hygiene rather than relying on diapers. So why should food be any different?

The husband and I have been lazily following Mark Sisson's blog, Mark's Daily Apple, for years. But, after a friend pointed me more solidly in this direction by way of Primal Boston, I decided to look more deeply and ultimately to commit to a primal diet. I haven't had a grain in 8 days, and in those 8 days I've lost about 8 pounds. I won't go into the ideology of the Primal Blueprint right now, but I'll say that it's the thing that makes the most sense, and that's given me the best and fastest results, after nearly half a lifetime of struggling with my weight. In just a week I've zoomed past the weight I was at when I became pregnant with my first child and am headed downward toward the somewhat lower weight I enjoyed when I learned Baby Number Two was on the way. I'm cooking and eating and enjoying every last minute, and I feel closer to satisfied with my diet than I have in ... well ... ever.

I will be back soon with an update, and I am hopeful I'll be able to report an even greater slimming and continued contentment with my food and exercise situation. See you soon!

Day 127: Where I've Been

I haven't given up. I haven't forgotten about myself. I haven't fallen off the wagon. Well. Not completely. Occasionally someone asks, "So are you still blogging?" or, "How's the weight loss going?" and I kind of grin and shrug. I'm just so busy.

But if I'm being honest with myself, that's not the only reason I haven't been around.

Yes - I have a wonderfully demanding job and an equally amazingly demanding family situation. I've been busy, for sure. But truthfully - I've de-prioritized my weight loss in favor of the path of least resistance. If I want to lose weight, I need to put some thought into it - and it's just easier to not think about it. 

Like I would in a good coaching session with an interview candidate or with one of the teachers I work with, I'll begin with the positives - because I do have quite a bit to celebrate. First, I have upheld my commitment to work with a trainer twice a week. Every Wednesday and Friday, I go into the studio and put on my best smile and push myself to do things that still seem harder than they should be, but nonetheless are much easier than they were 4 months ago when I started. Also, I have kept up with my commitment to stay away from excessive sweets, and excessive eating in general. I don't eat something if I don't like it, and even if I do like something I can control myself and not eat the entire thing. As a family we have made some wiser decisions regarding what to buy at the store, what to eat for snacks, and what to plan for dinner. It's a work in progress, but we are taking baby steps. I haven't gained any weight. I've even lost a little. And as for consciousness in general, I have been making a daily and even minute-by-minute effort to live consciously - to conduct my life in joy and peace, and to start unraveling that impatience and need to know the answers everything I'm wondering about RIGHT NOW! that crept up in my life around the time I got my first iPhone. I am meditating every day and slowly working to calm my relentless Energizer Bunny of a brain.

So...what are my challenges right now? Well, one big one is that while I am prioritizing my training sessions, I am not making it to the gym outside of those times. Which means that I am missing out on opportunities to increase my cardiovascular health (and let's face it - burn some calories). I don't often have the time to get to the gym, but I'm not looking for alternatives either. Tonight would have been the perfect evening to go for a walk with the girls, but I just SO didn't want to. So I pushed them on the swings until it was time to come in for dinner. Bo-ring! I have strayed from my commitment to not stuff myself once or twice, but the biggest challenge around food is that I feel too tired and too busy to adequately plan for our meals, particularly dinner. We scrape things together sometimes, but all too often it's frozen pizza (does it count as "healthier" if it's gluten free?) or takeout. I'm meeting with my favorite gym owner tomorrow to see if he can be of assistance with meal planning so that I can stop feeling guilty about it and just have a plan to follow.

So, while I'm not where I hoped and expected that I'd be on May 14, I am not giving up. I am happy with my commitment to live more consciously and keep myself healthier, and I am continuing to live that commitment and model it for my family members, colleagues and students. So that's something to be proud of - right?

Day 67: The good thing about norovirus

I know what you're thinking. Norovirus? Good? Those two words don't belong anywhere near each other. I know. Norovirus, for lack of a better word, sucks. My entire family had it last week - and some colleagues and a lot of students too. It's gross. But for me, this time around, it had some benefits. 

First, I didn't have to log every bite going into my mouth for about three days. There may have even been a 24-hour period where no food actually went into my mouth at all. When you're eating little more than crackers and toast, it's pretty easy to know you're not going over your RDA for, well, anything. 

Relatedly, I lost a couple pounds. I mean, it's not the ideal way to lose weight and a good deal of it was probably water weight from dehydration...but I definitely saw a dip in the scale which helped console me through the awful way I was feeling. 

Finally, and this one is genuine: I kicked my coffee addiction. I've been meaning to get off the coffee for a long time. In my life, anytime I've kicked one habit another rolled along and took its place. Coffee is a relatively harmless addiction, and I was only having a couple of cups a day, but I got to the point that I didn't even really enjoy the taste anymore - I was just drinking it so I didn't get sleepy or have a headache. So, after 3 days without coffee I decided I could live without drinking coffee and other caffeine sources on a regular basis. I have to say, I really feel a lot better. I actually have more energy, especially in the evenings. And the worst I suffered was a pretty nasty headache on Sunday evening. Who knew. 

I'm feeling good. I have kicked my biggest and nastiest habits and not lost my mind. I'm continuing to take small steps toward eliminating the remaining nasty stuff in my diet and replacing it with really good stuff. I feel strong when I work out and I am seeing slow but certain progress with my weight and my body composition. 

This is long, hard work. But it is worth it. I am worth it. 

On licking the spoon, or not.

This morning, my husband and daughter were making ice cream for a party. They poured the chocolate deliciousness into the bowl as I washed dishes next to them. My husband handed me the mixing paddle, dripping with creamy, frozen cocoa. "Take whatever taste you're going to take and then you can wash it," he said.  

Slowly, as if I was watching myself from somewhere else, I saw myself subtly shake my head and shrug my shoulders almost imperceptably as I took the tool from him and rinsed it off. 

You might be ready to ask me: Who cares, lady? What is the big deal in that series of actions?

The big deal is this: as a compulsive eater, I cannot remember any time, ever, in my first 32.5 years of life, when I didn't lick the spoon, the bowl, and half the batter for whatever was being made. I have been known to make cookie dough and never get a chance to use it for cookies. Once when I was baking with my husband, he commented how he had never seen someone lick the whole bowl before. The spoon, sure. The bowl? Who does that?

And me on the inside thinking - Is that true? Other people don't use the rubber spatula to clean out every last chunk of brownie batter while murmuring "nom muah mawm nom"?

That was probably 4 or 5 years ago, and still - when I make cookie dough chunks for ice cream, I have to work under close supervision to ensure that the sweet treat I'm making for my daughter doesn't just end up being vanilla flavored. 

Addiction will do these things to a person. I start to smell the batter or dough or ice cream base, and then I need to taste it. I get some on my hand and lick it off, which makes me want more and more, and soon I'm sticking a finger or two directly into the sweet goodness over and over again. The recipe was for a dozen cupcakes and we only ended up with seven...oops. 

All this happens, by the way, when no one else is around. No one sees me eat every single bit of dough left over in the mixing bowl after we make gingerbread cookies, which I don't even like. 

So, passing up the opportunity to have amazing chocolate ice cream at 8:00am, even though it seems like such a trivial thing, is a HUGE victory over here. 

Overall I have seen a sharp decline in my compulsive eating behavior since taking control of the my diet and acknowledging that I am the one with the power to determine what goes into my body. I was faced with a bag of my absolute favorite candy today, and I was able to dole out the candies into individual serving bags to eliminate the compulsion to finish the bag once I start it. I even had a couple  and put the rest aside for someone else to enjoy. 

This seemingly small win is such a huge step in my life. I am proud of myself, and encouraged to continue working to make good food choices. 

Comment below if you have a similar story, or if you're just needing some encouragement from someone who has walked in your shoes.