Dear Grandmother

I am sure that anyone who's been following along with my blog over the last 7 weeks or so has gotten the impression that this is a weight-loss and fitness blog. That's my fault. The intent of my collecting my thoughts and putting them to print is to really help me be mindful and conscious in my life. Weight loss and exercise have, understandably, been at the forefront of my consciousness and so that's what I've been writing about. I say this by way of explanation for what comes next: an entry that is decidedly not related to weight loss or exercise. I'll be back with my typical rantings later in the week. 

Dear Grandmother,

Happy 85th Birthday!

So much has happened in the last year. The baby is not such a baby anymore. She's walking, and talking, and giving us a run for our money. The big girl is in preschool. She is bright and sassy and beautiful and difficult and perfect. They love each other so much. It has been hard, just like you said it would be, but it's getting a little easier. 

I'm working for myself, doing what I love, and I am appreciated every day for what I do. 

The hubby is doing great things and is just the perfect guy for me and our girls. 

Mom and Dad moved out to the east coast just like they said they would. It was hard to leave all they've known, but they just light up when they get to spend time with the girls - and the girls do, too. 

The kids know your name. Our big girl even talks about you sometimes. She remembers when we flew to Kansas City to surprise you and Dad for your birthdays last year. She remembers going to see you in your apartment. She asks questions about where you live, if you came with Mom and Dad to live here, and if we can go visit you. That's a tough one, Grandma. I just don't know how to answer a 3-year-old when she asks questions like that. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of standing in the supermarket with the girls, listening to my mom's message that you weren't going to make it. You were always so healthy and strong. You always took such good care of yourself. I just couldn't believe that the cough you had developed was going to end your life. 

I talked to the nurses that day. They told me you made a decision and stuck to it. You were gone that evening and it was just a shock to me. I wrote the eulogy for your funeral, but I made the officiant read it. It's nearly a year later and I still can't look at it without losing my composure. 

With all that was going on in my life, I never truly got a chance to process the loss that I felt. My kids provided a shelter from feeling the grief that I needed to feel. They still needed care, and my focus was always on them. Today they are out of the house and I am alone and taking the time to feel all those feelings that have been bubbling up for almost a year. 

I still feel connected to you, Grandma, and I want you to know that I will keep your spirit alive by showing our babies pictures of you and telling them stories of your cooking, and your rules, and your toilets that I couldn't flush because there was only a limited supply of well water. 

And I will continue to think of you every week around Valentine's Day. We will miss seeing your cards come in the mail, but we will feel your love. 

I miss you. 

Love,

Nicci