I've been doing some thinking, about what a heap of garbage 2014 was, and how high my hopes are for 2015. This year, as I combed through our address book to make out Christmas cards, I was profoundly depressed by how many names belonged to the recently deceased. So many loved ones left our world too soon, and it's something that's been weighing on me pretty heavily. I've been thinking about my two sweet girls and any future children we may have, and how I want to be around to see all their big milestones, and how I want to be able to participate actively in their lives, now and 50 years from now. My high hopes are unlikely to be realized by my sitting around eating chips and sea salt caramels every day. So, I decided it's time for some changes.
First, food. It's no secret I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food, from even before the first time I finished an entire box of bacon crackers in one sitting as a pre-teen, or my first pint of One Sweet Whirled ice cream as a college student. It's no coincidence that this year's Thanksgiving pecan pie disappeared slice by slice while no one else was in the kitchen. And the Christmas one too.
My husband was telling me the other day how, to make a change in your life, you should stop blaming the past and just make the change. As if it's that easy. You don't beat down a lifetime of habits and compulsions and unhealthy obsessions just because you decide to. It's just. Not. That. Easy.
But, I guess it has to be. Because if I don't commit, I'll be destined to repeat these same negative patterns that got me into this unhealthy place.
It was overwhelming to change everything about my diet at once, so I started with the hardest thing and the one that I think will make the most difference: SUGAR. Even writing this is hard, such is my love for the powdery white substance that, on some days, has made up over half my calories. I created a rule for myself: one or two small treats each day is enough. That may seem really boring and like not that big of a deal, but for a food addict like me, it's terrifying. I've always had this inexplicable compulsion to "get it or someone else will." I have to try one of every dessert at a catered event. I have to go back for a second, a third, a fourth brownie because they were JUST SO GOOD. I would pace an endless circuit of couch - pantry - fridge - repeat, going back for another taste of the sweet du jour sometimes after less than a minute, long after I knew I should have stopped. One treat begets another and another, and altogether they do little for me apart from engendering a feeling of immediate guilt and a crash 20 minutes later.
So, one small treat at lunchtime if I feel like it. One after dinner. No exceptions. Not even for my favorite, favorite, favorite, ooey gooey chocolate brownie sundae dessert.
Apart from that, it's time to start paying attention to those pesky portion sizes. Eating out of the chip bag, or the peanut canister, or the ice cream carton, has been my MO for the last 25 years of my life. I know better, but I get lazy or start thinking I can eyeball servings. And that is always the beginning of the end for monitoring my intake. I want my kids to have a healthy relationship with food and know what is going in their bodies. It is time to lead by example and stop that nonsense.
Next, exercise. I have been living in a "my kids won't let me leave them anywhere" jail cell for a long time. Now that my schedule has some more flexibility, I have committed to work with a personal trainer twice a week for the next six months. I have been afraid to do much on my own because I don't want to aggravate past injuries, but I'm confident now that I've found someone who will teach me how to work within my ability and hopefully get back into triathlon shape one day.
And, finally, I've started practicing an overarching theme of consciousness. Dropping habits, because those are mindless, and really thinking about what I'm doing. Not checking my email every 35 seconds. Or Facebook. Or blog hits. Not picking up my phone at stop lights. Not finishing just one text before playing with my kids because, contrary to what I seem to believe, the world will not explode if Jen or Jon or Melissa don't know what I need to say right this second. I'm trying to check out my reflex reactions to situations by asking myself, "What's up with that?" "Why does that make me feel this way?" "How will thinking about this (or dwelling on it) help me?" In sum, I am trying to be more aware of who I am and what I am doing in this world. Enjoying the moment I'm in because I don't ever know if I'll have another. Embracing the frustrations life brings, as learning opportunities rather than obstacles and annoyances.
Welcome to my journey. I invite you to take it with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment